Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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