My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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