I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
