he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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