I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
