The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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