Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize