Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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