That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
