maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
