my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
