I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
