so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
