I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
