Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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