my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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