The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
