connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
