Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Your penis caused this!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
