Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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