Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
