Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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