So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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