everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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