when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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