all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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