Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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