Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
