so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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