Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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