Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
