I want to stick my p in your. b.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
