I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
