No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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