i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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