dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
