Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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