he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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