Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
