I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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