True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
