I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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