hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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