and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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