I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
