Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
