This is not my ceiling
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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