I just cut my nipple shaving
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
