So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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