The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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