Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
