It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
