so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
