Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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