Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
