Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
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