Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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