What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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