i think my tv is drunk
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
