I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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