Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
