When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize