omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize