My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
What did we do last night that was yellow?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
