so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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