sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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