Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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